We're going to be looking at some incredibly rare Disney and Horror VHS movies, but the thing is that rarity does not equal quality in all these cases. In fact, it can mean quite the opposite. The rarer the movie is might have something to do with the fact that nobody wanted it.
It's simple economics, so let me educate you. The reason why a VHS of Small Soldiers' isn't worth anything? Because they printed out millions of copies. They knew they could sell them! Movies like 'The Beast in Heat' didn't have such a high market. I wonder why. People are usually so receptive to beastiality.
You might not watch some of these all the time, but if you do happen to have these, hold onto them. You may be rich. If you think bitcoin is the hot currency right now, watch out for VHS tapes. You will not believe how much Disney's 'Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs" is worth!
Frankenstein and his monster are part of the creative commons now, and have been for some time, which means that anyone can make a Frankenstein movie or book without getting sued. You can pretty much make a Frankenstein anything. I know what you're thinking. You're getting some ideas for a Frankenstein theme park. It'll never work. Trust me. People will spend more time arguing on whether the creature is Frankenstein or Frankenstein's monster. Have you ever had that argument with someone?
This rare VHS gem is a story about Dr. Frankenstein turning two cavemen into new monsters of his creation. I feel like cavemen would already be confused, aggressive and strong anyway. I think turning them into monsters might be overkill. Just let those cavemen loose! Trust me, they'll do plenty of damage to the city.
Is there anyone more cruel than Cruella Deville? Maybe Thanos. Thanos is much more curel actually, but let's not talk about him or else we'll get into #InfityWar spoilers. Disney was so on-the-nose with that character that her name is literally Cruel one of Evil. I'm loosely translating, but you get the picture. She wanted to raise 101 puppies just to make a coat. What's disturbing about that is that you can easily find puppies elsewhere. They don't need to be your puppies. That crazy lady just wanted to see the puppies killed, didn't she?
Still, there is something oddly hot about Ms. Deville. It must be the confidence. She knows what she wants and she goes out and gets it. That's a lesson to you ladies. Be so confident that you could kill 101 puppies and people would still adore you.
"The most startling motion picture achievement in the history of movie-making." I'm sure that was possible in the first 30 years of film, but then it gets harder and harder to startle people. To be fair, one of the first movies ever was just of a train coming towards the camera. That startled the hell out of people. They thought it was a real train and ran out of the theater. Not every movie can or should do that. I wish more movies used that tagline though, until it was about as meaningless as all the other poster saying we get: exhilarating, a knockout performance, or spell binding.
I'm not sure what this one is about. The title alone seems like it could be a movie about finding oneself outside of Africa, however the other tagline, "consumed by savagery, conceived by blood," kind of throws that out of whack.
Everyone loves the muppets, right? The Muppets are practically an American institution. They are like football. THey go hand in hand with Americana. Does that mean that you would spend close to $1,000 bucks for one of their VHS cassettes? Probably not, but there is most likely one Muppet die hard who would pay that hefty price. I wouldn't exactly trust that person alone around puppets though, if you know what I mean.
Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas was a TV special featuring the Muppets based on a children's book by Russell Hoban. It didn't have a huge print run so finding the tape is hard to do nowadays. That's why it costs so much money after all. If you ever end up digging through your old Muppets memorabilia and find this, hang onto it and become rich!
At the time, 'The Fox and the Hound' was Disney's most expensive film. Guess how much? Twelve million dollars. To put that in perspective, that's how much it cost just for the craft services for 'Avengers: Infinity War.' Back then it was a lot, which kind of sucks. 'The Fox and the Hound' is great and all, but where does it fall on your list of Disney movies? It's not one of the first ones you think of. That's for sure.
I love how adorable the relationship between a fox and a hound would be, but I can't get past the laws of nature. If I was that fox's friend I'd be like the TSA agent in 'Get Out.' I'd be telling the fox that something is up. That hound is up to something. Watch your back.
'Journey into the Beyond' is a documentary that shows you the world of voodoo, ritual sacrifice, an all sorts of other crazy stuff. It reminds me of those old movies, 'Faces of Death.' That series just showed people dying in different ways through home footage, some or most of which was fake. These were crucial for curious people back in the day. Where could you really see a voodoo sacrifice, or someone die? It was hard to find. Now you have Youtube.
Let's face it, these types of movies are just Youtube videos now. If you want to find a poorly edited documentary about literally anything, just log onto Youtube. They must have dozens of voodoo sacrifices and witchcraft videos. You can look them up in between makeup tutorials. You have to work on your smokey eye after all.
Aladdin is the greatest of all time (the GOAT) simply because of Robin Williams. He made that movie. Both metaphorically and in some ways literally. He could have demanded millions of dollars for his role, but instead he just asked for 20k. I know some of you are thinking, "just 20K? Screw you," but there are unions that won't even let someone like Robin Williams get paid less than that.
Robin Williams sadly departed now, but if he were alive he could have just bought a bunch of Aladdin VHS tapes. At $275 a pop, he could make a fortune off a truckload. It's wild how these Disney movies are so expensive, yet I feel like I could find these in my attic if I really looked. And if I wasn't so afraid of spiders.
It's hard to imagine when 'The Sleeping Beauty' first came out. Now a lot of these Disney movies hold a reverence due to how old they are, but when they first came out they could have easily sunk or swam. It was no different than going to see something like 'Sausage Party.' Audiences could have left hating it. Turns out that 'The Sleeping Beauty' was reviewed as so-so, and to be fair, those reviews are correct. THe movie is whatever. If it wasn't Disney, no one would care about it.
Did I really just come after Disney like that? You bet I did. I just think that there are a lot of early Disney properties that really aren't that good. Now they have their content on lockdown. It's like being served at a chain restaurant. You know what you're going to get and you know it's going to be good.
Ah, 'The Lion King.' Back when Justin Taylor Thomas was a star. Now I don't know where he is. I feel like I'm going to meet him on a Craigslist hookup or something. I'd be like, " Can I get an autograph?.. And that HJ you promised." OK, OK. I'll stop being nasty. It really was a special time when 'The Lion King' came out. Everything was firing on all cylinders. The animation, the music, and the story. As someone with daddy issues, I could connect.
You can see echoes of 'The Lion King' in all sorts of movies now, as the children affected by that movie grow up to become filmmakers. Poor souls. At one point in their lives they had a real future. 'The Lion King' is just some other Shakespeare story anyway. Everything is.
I'm sorry, but I just really love a lot of these taglines. I just have to talk about them. They are trying so hard to be impactful and flashy and it shows. This is at a time when taglines still meant something. I'm sure this one actually interested and terrified people at the time. Now you'd roll your eyes at it. It's just the way we evolve. Now a good tagline is something like, "this is a great movie - Steven Spielberg." That gets people listening.
The tagline for this one is, "It's dead, but no one's safe until it dies again." How about we don't call it dead then? If something has to die twice, then I'm not counting that first death. Let's just call it a knock down? I think that's the boxing term. Two knockdowns equals a death.
I didn't know much about Betrayed, especially just based off of the cover, so I had to do a little digging. I'm going to provide you with the plot synopsis from IMDB. Let me prepare you because we've had some crazy movies thus far. This one will start out with you saying, "ok, not so crazy" but then the end really seals it all in as a "WHAT?!" kind of movie. Here it is:
"An FBI agent posing as a combine driver becomes romantically involved with a Midwest farmer who lives a double life as a white supremacist." Those last few words hit hard. She lives a double life as a white supremacist. Here's the thing about white supremacists... if you have to hide the matter, then it's not a good thing. Double life usually means that one of those lives is crap.
Disney is known for their animated classics. You can't even talk about animated movies without bringing up Disney hits such as Snow White, Cinderella, and even the more modern movies like The Lion King. Even to this day, Disney keeps churning out amazing animated hits, as well as turning their old hits into new, remakes using CGI. Moviegoers almost find it to be a joke that studios keep remaking all of their classics. When will it stop?
I can tell you where it stops. It stops at The Prince of Egypt, a movie that no one really remembers or cares about. Dreamworks made this movie, and as we know, Dreamworks is the lesser-Pixar. Still, if you are a Dreamworks stan then you might have a copy of The Prince of Egypt on VHS. If you do you can sell it and use the money to go see a movie that is actually good.
Is there any Disney story more messed up than 'Alice in Wonderland?' I'll ultimately blame that on Lewis Carrol's source material because the book is even weirder and more intense. At least Disney rounded out the edges a little bit. It seems a little bit less like an acid trip thn the book. There is one pretty weird live action adaptation of 'Alice in Wonderland' that would surely give you nightmares if you ever saw it. To this day, I can't watch it.
The cartoon is amazing though, especially the Mad Hatter.I always really loved the Mad Hatter. What a sad existence he lives. They say that hatters (people who made hats) went crazy in real life because mercury was used in hats. They were around so many of them that they were poisoned into insanity.
One way to create incredibly high value and demand is to only sell something at certain stores. If you want to make it even more exclusive, only sell it at Disneyland. That would mean you have to spend a couple hundred dollars just for the opportunity to buy something. That's what I love about Disneyland. You're basically paying to go inside and spend more money. What a racket!
Disney's Marking the Millennium was a VHS only sold inside of Epcot center. That means that there are probably more people who haven't seen this than there are people who have seen it. That makes it a collector's wet dream. On Ebay this VHS is going for thousands of dollars, though that doesn't mean anyone is going to buy it for that much, but you never know.
I get all the feels whenever I even see a screenshot from 'The Little Mermaid.' For whatever reason, every little detail about that movie affects my senses. It's not like I'm a huge fan. I only have forty stuffed toys, twelve action figures, all the movie editions, and a mermaid-fin sleeping bag. I'm definitely not a huge fan though. All of the characters are classic Disney. I feel like this movie sets the best blueprint for golden age of Disney movies.
I like Ariel the most out of all the Disney princesses, unless we're counting Star Wars characters (that's a debate in and of itself). She's got that gorgeous red hair, and plenty of junk in the trunk for someone with a fin. Still, my main girl is Ursula. She's thicc. She can get it.
This falls into the grindhouse genre, specifically of the ilk where horrible stuff just happens. The plot synopsis is pretty horrific, and not in a "skeleton monster hunts down people and wears their flesh." It's horrifying in a very real way. It's about a guy who lives with his mother (red flags already). His sister ran away years ago, throwing his mother into a depression, so one day while he's driving, he spots a female hitchhiker. He goes into psychosis thinking she's Judy, so he rapes and kills her. Then he just keeps doing that.
I have a hard time with these movies because there is never a point to them. Violence can be excellent when there is a point to the violence. I really doubt 'Hitchhike to Hell' has anything interesting to say about the human condition.
Try not to cry during this, but spoilers for 'Bambi.' The mother gets killed. Yeah, you probably already knew that, but it never gets easier. I feel like that was a bold choice for Disney, but then again, Disney is the king of messed up parental situations. Especially Pixar movies. Every movie is about a broken family, a missing family member, or a single-parent household. It's their cheat code to get us to care.
I lived in a two parent household (not trying to brag, just saying), so I never really understood the dad in 'Bambi.' I felt like he was a bad father, but I bet a lot of people could relate to that. That's kind of sad to think about, right? There's plenty of people who look at Bambi's dad and think, "yep. That's how dads are."
There was a time when there were no two bigger stars than Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. These two twins made their mark playing the same character on the show Full House. The fact that they were able to then branch out and have a career as sisters is testament to just how much people loved them. They had a string of "hit" movies. Most of them never premiered in a theater, but as for the home VHS market, the Olsen Twins kept churning out hit after hit.
Getting There is one of their late-stage movies as they were getting a little too old to be wanting to do kiddy movies anymore. The move is about them driving, after all. Their core audience was aging out of being interested in them as well. Now they live their lives as millionaires doing whatever the hell they want.
The back cover of this VHS is so ridiculous. I'm talking about the text specifically. Most movies should tell you a little bit about the first act to get you excited about the movie, but you don't want to give any specifics that aren't necessary. People will watch the movie to see those specifics. The text on this cover gives away too many details like the fact that a woman sees a dog and a dead cat, and then the dog attacks her throat. It goes into detail on this. If it's important that she dies, just tell us that she died!
The thing you learn once you're in the business, is that no one knows what they're doing. Just because you were given the job of writing the synopsis, doesn't mean you know what you're doing.
'Beauty and the Beast' is a story that teaches us that love can conquer all. It's also about a woman falling in love with a literal beast. Can you imagine what he really looks like in real life form? I know Belle looks banging in real life. You don't have to convince me of that. I've seen the girls who play her at Disneyland. Beast would look and smell horrible though. Just imagine what his man-parts would look like. It would look like a dog's red rocket. If he's anything like my dog, he won't be able to control when it comes out either.
Enough about the ugly part of the story. 'Beauty and the Beast' made me want to talk to my appliances and houseware. Sure, they never talked back, but that didn't stop my parents from putting me with a child therapist.
Here's a movie for the ladies. It's about a guy who goes around the neighborhood murdering women. I hate to be a downer, but violence against women is a problem worldwide, and the US contributes as well. There's data to show consistent levels of violence against women in the real world, and then depicted on TV and movies. Yet everyone freaks out about everything else. Abortion? Let's freak out about that, but then let's never talk about how non-embryo female population lives in a constant state of enhanced danger.
I know that'll be too woke for some, but at the end of the day I just don't want to see women murdered. You can't say you have a problem with that. All that being said, I watched this movie and loved seeing the women torn apart.
I love how once Disney had their hands on it, 'Cinderella' just became theirs and no one else's. Grimm's fairy tales? What's that and who cares? I'm pretty sure the original story has French origins too. Disney made it a lot less gruesome than the Grimm's fairy tale though, which is the case with most Grimm Fairy Tales. In the original Cinderella, the stepsisters cut off their toes and heels to fit in the shoe. I can understand cutting off a toe or two, but your heel? That's just nuts.
This is how you know that the Prince has a foot fetish. I'll show you through dialogue. "Who was this woman, Prince?" / "I don't know. I just have her shoe. I must find the foot that fits it." / "How about you just tell us what she looked like." / "..." / "You were staring at her feet the whole time, weren't you?"
You ever have one of those weeks that just gets worse and worse? On Monday you miss the bus and get fired, Tuesday your girlfriend breaks up with you, Wednesday your parents disown you, and so on. Bad things usually come in threes, but if you think about it, 12,000 is a divisible of three, so technically that can mean 12,000 bad things.
That's what happens to the main character in this movie, but with much higher stakes. On Monday he kills a cab driver on accident, and then it snowballs from there. His girlfriend is the next day, followed by his brother on Wednesday. Then he just keeps killing. The good thing is he's a butcher, so hiding all that killing isn't too hard as long as his customers don't mind lean meat.
It's been years since I've seen 'Song of the South,' but how could I possibly forget Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay. That song is a banger. I wonder how many rap samples there are of that song. It kinda reminds me of Kanye West's new song. The lyrics are: "Poopy-di scoop
Scoop-diddy-whoop / Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop / Poop-di-scoopty / Scoopty-whoop / Whoopity-scoop, whoop-poop / Poop-diddy, whoop-scoop / Poop, poop / Scoop-diddy-whoop / Whoop-diddy-scoop /Whoop-diddy-scoop, poop" Can you see the influence?
This movie might be a classic, but 'Song of the South' sounds like a racist movie, doesn't it? It definitely doesn't seem like a happy-go-lucky movie. I'd see that on the movie theater marquee and assume it was a slave movie. I'm not trying to hate on the South in general. I'm just saying, the 1950s South was a little sketch. I'm basing that off of 'Mississippi Burning.'
We've got another scintillating tagline with this movie, people. Now we know a horror movie's tagline should be scary. That's a little difficult just to do with words, but it can be done. Look at 'A Quiet Place.' That movie's tagline is "They year you. They hunt you." That's terrifying! We all make noise. It's hard not to. It's inherently scary. The tagline for 'Tomb of the Undead' is just stupid: "Death was the only living thing in the tomb of the undead."
Let's talk about that. How about the fact that death is dead? You don't want people to immediately call out your logic after they read your tagline. It's poetic, certainly, but not scary. Check out this one, "You won't be living when you're not alive!" That's about on par with this one.
I've got to find a good place in this article to say that the Beatles are overrated. Oh, look, there it is. Sorry Beatles fans. I'm not saying they are bad, or even just OK, but people act as if they are the second coming of Christ through music. They were four guys who were pretty OK at their instruments and wrote songs that connected with people. Before you freak out and say "pretty OK at instruments?!" Quincy Jones said it himself. In a recent interviewer he came out and said that other musicians ended up recording for some parts of the albums. Would Quincy Jones lie (probably)?
The Beatles are totally legit though. The fact that they made movies and music is pretty impressive. The only other group like that is The Spice Girls, though I'd argue that 'Spice World' is better than any Beatles movie. OK, haters. Get at me in the comments.
This movies biggest feature is that it has a warning bell. If you hear the bell, you're supposed to close your eyes because something bad is about to happen. I feel like there was a time where that was an ingenious idea. Now people just won't show up to the movie. "There's horrible stuff whenever I hear a bell? How about I just go see another Marvel movie instead." What if there is an extra long scene of horrifying images? Is there an ending bell? It would have to be a different tone than the starting bell. Do you see how a great idea can cause more problems?
I love the cartoony cover photo. Is that how expensive film was back then? They'd rather hire an artist to draw the girls than to take a picture. Like we saw with Lemora, you can't really turst a photo.
VHS box sets were an incredible sight. Something like the entire Dragon Ball Z series would be as long and large as the great wall of China. You could see the entire set from space. You could also only hold two or three episodes per casette, so just imagine a 26 episode season. Enough about Dragon Ball Z though. These VHS box sets were HUGE, so if you had a three-VHS set then you were talking about a big brick.
This isn't just a normal Godfather box set. The rare one is a specific set that has a re-edited version of The Godfather one and two. That's something I'd pay to see. Maybe not the $300 it's worth, but I'd do a RedBox rental of it. Oh, yeah. They don't rent VHS in those machines. They'd only be able to fit five movies.
Here's the thing about anyone or anything called Anthropophagus. I'm going to assume that it's a beast. Nothing is, or ever will be called that and be a cute, fuzzy bunny. Drop "the beast" and we will all assume. Judging by the cover though, anthropophagus isn't so much of a beast as just an ugly dude. I've literally seen people in real life that look like that.
Confidence is important in any artistic endeavor. It never hurts your film's promotion to be confident. That's why I take some issue with the text on the back of the box. It says, "Probably one of the most frightening films you will ever see." Can we just leave out the "probably?" I don't need to instill doubt in my fear. Just tell me I'll be the most scared I've ever been in my life and I will accept the lie.
There are many different versions of Star Wars, but most of them have been burned by George Lucas. Everytime he did an update he would try to get rid of the old version. To this day, most people haven't seen the original at all, and those who have seen it have since forgotten it. That's pretty weird to think about, but who cares? We love Star Wars no matter what version we've seen.
If you have any of the VHS copies, that's awesome, but if you can find any of the original edits, then you're set. Please make a DVD recording if you own it. The fans deserve to see the original cut. I don't mind the newer versions, but you can cut the Jabba the Hutt scene from 'A New Hope.' That was a trash addition.
This is about two men who go to save a woman who was kidnapped by South American savages. You see a lot of that in these older movies. Anyone who isn't white is a savage, hell-bent on sacrificing white women. There's got to be some real tribes that would do that, but 99% of them are probably chill. All they'd want to do is get you high with their mystical drugs and feed you.
Going into the jungle is scary. It doesn't matter how many guns you have. You could have a ballistic missile strapped to your back, but if the wrong mosquito bites you then it's all over. Or a giant flower eats you. Don't look at me like I'm crazy. There are species of plants we still haven't discovered yet. Why haven't we? Because everytime a human sees it, the plant eats them.
It's amazing how ugly E.T. is yet we still love him. OK, so he's kind of cute, but that's mostly his personality. As far as looks go, he's hideous. Imagine if he's the best looking one out of all his species. There may be E.T.'s that are twice as wrinkly and stubby as him. That's why he left his ship. He was sick of all the nasty aliens. Once he saw some hot blondes on Earth, he cut.
I distinctly remember the green trim on this VHS. I wish I remembered it enough to have kept it after all these years so I could have an extra $800 now, but oh well. I loved any VHS cassette that was different. Nickelodeon's were orange. That felt special. I always thought, "how much does cassette die cost? Can't you guys make all of them awesome?"
'The Evil Dead' is a classic film that somehow transcended other grindhouse-style films to become popular with the masses. I think that took some time though. People weren't immediately keen on this movie. That's why you may be able to find plenty of VHS copies of it, but it's much harder to find this particular sleeve. This sleeve design is where the real money is. It's like owning Michael Jackson's glove, pre-rhinestones. Back when Michael only wore gloves to keep warm and hide his fingerprints.
Now Sam Raimi is a legendary director. To think that it all started with a campy, violent movie like this. Since then there have been sequels, a TV show, and all sorts of other media around it. Unfortunately the show was recently cancelled and Bruce Campbell is officially retiring the character of Ash.
'Tales from the Quadead Zone' sounds like a young child is saying "tales from the crawdad zone." Crawdads are those little lobsters that people eat even though they have little tale meat and you have to suck their brains out of their skulls to even get a morsel of meat. They are the poor man's lobster. Don't tell me that you wouldn't rather have lobster than crawdad. Anyway, how'd this get about crawdads?
Like many of the horror movies on this list, don't expect 'Tales from the Quadead Zone' to be good. I don't think there's any explanation of the Quadead Zone that would make it seem less lame than it's name. Quadead Zone, sure I'll go there. It sounds lame, but not scary. You can't be afraid of something you can make fun of.
I've heard this called one of the worst movies of all time. Those are strong words considering that most movies are bad. Just scroll through Netflix. You'll pass one hundred bad movies before you pass one that's just OK. I hate to knock the filmmakers, because they try, but making a good movie is hard. I don't blame the bad movies. No one tries to make one. It's just kind of like hitting a bullseye with an arrow. Thank you for trying, but if you miss, we kind of figured you would.
This is a rock and roll comedy about a giant caveman who kidnaps a girl to have intercourse with her. Sounds like it could be a good Seth Rogen movie. I keep bringing him up, but isn't he great? He deserves to be seen!
'Halloween' started the slasher genre. John Carpenter made the perfect character in Michael Myers. Emotionless, faceless, and unstoppable. He doesn't fear repercussions, especially legal ones. He'll stab anyone in his way, gte arrested, and escape before the cruiser hits the freeway. It spawned dozens if not hundreds of other movies, most of which suck, but think about 'Scream.' That movie couldn't exist without 'Halloween.' Watch how you speak on John Carpenter's name.
After many sequels, it seems like a poor name choice. "When should we release the next one? June?" / "Halloween in June? Nah." It would sound silly. Not that you even need to release it any other month. A new 'Halloween' movie around Halloween time spells money. The letters M, O, N, E, Y spell money too, but no one has ever bought a lake house using letters, so who cares.
Talk about another classic horror franchise. If you made people name the most influential horror movies, this would probably rank in the top five. They keep making these, which goes to show you that they touche a nerve. I think the main reason is that it's based on a true story. That always connects with people. I just hate when they tell you it's based on true events, but you find out that it's barely based on anything actually scary.
Here's an example. There was a movie called 'The Strangers' based on real events. It turns out that was just a marketing plow. The "real event" was that the producer's neighbor once got scared because someone knocked on their door. We could spend a long time roasting that person for being scared of a knock, but I'd rather give a big F you to the guy who decided to say that was a real event.
I'm a little confused with some of this box art. I'm not sure if it's trying to make a pun based on something in the movie, or if they just don't know the right words to use. I'm talking about, "the only people who will not be STERILIZED with fear are those among you who are already dead!" I'm very sure they mean paralyzed, because I don't think anyone has ever been sterilized with fear. I've been sterilized with antiseptic, or even urine when i got stung by a jellyfish, but never fear.
Flesh eaters sound pretty horrifying, but only about as horrifying as "guy who will kill you." At a certain point of your flesh being eaten, you just die. It's like being afraid of cannibals. If they're just going to bonk you on the head and then eat you when you're already dead, it's not too bad, is it?
Let's talk about that cover photo. I know that they shot this back in the analog age, when you only had so many shots of film. It's not like you could take a photo and immediately see how it turned out. You just had to hope for the best. All that being considered... what the hell happened here? What look was she going for? I'm trying to think what movie that face fits in. It's not the romantic comedy. It's maybe the comedy version of it? Just because it's low budget doesn't mean you need to not care!
If you read the back cover of this, you can already see how convoluted it is. Synopsis should only cover up to act one which is about twenty minutes of the movie. The first part of this movie sounds so convoluted that the cover photo might be the best thing about it.
You have to love the Disneyfication of stories. Their version of 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' is fun, cute, and uplifting. The real story isn't so fun. The hunchback is a bad dude. I'm not blaming him either. The whole world hates him. Why wouldn't he hate the whole world? He's more of a villain than a hero. Or am I just playing into societies rules? Who cares? He has a hump for a back! He's a freak!
I bet it's hard to work with that guy. When it's Wednesday and you try and say, "thank god for humpday"- You spend five minutes trying to apologize. Hunchback is saying, "don't worry about it. It happens all the time," but deep down you know you just ruined your relationship. He won't be signing your office birthday card anymore.
Is there anyone more friendzoned than the seven dwarves? You know all of them wanted to hit that, but the only one who ever really stepped up was Grumpy. Grumpy and Doc had the best shots at Snow White. Grumpy is aloof, and ladies love that. Doc is just solid all around, but Snow White wouldn't want to ruin that kind of friendship. Come to think of it, Dopey would be the one to hook up with Snow White. He's the wild card, after all.
I don't mean to fetishize this Disney movie, but that helps me connect with the movie. I remember being a child watching the movie and thinking, "I wonder who's going to get that." Turns out it's Prince Charming. That was a lesson I learned early... Prince Charming's get the girl. Oh, well. Time to go become an incel.
I have a bone to pick with 'Dumbo.' The fact that 'Dumbo' exists has given bullies a nickname for all types of innocent people. If you had big ears, you were Dumbo. If you were fat, you were Dumbo. If you could fly, you were Dumbo. I never ran into that last situation, but you can't argue that the nickname fits. I was called Dumbo because of my ears. There were two girls specifically who made fun of me for that, and for everything in general. I wish I was as mean back then as I am now. I would have torn them up. They both had hairy arms. Missed opportunity.
You would think that the message of 'Dumbo' would counteract the insults, but no. I'd rather not have my faults than be special because of them. You know what's REALLY special? Not having any faults at all.
I want to write out the back of the box in case you can't see it well, because it is a gem: "They tampered with nature. Now they must pay the price. And the price is death. So keep repeating to yourself: it's only a movie. It's only a movie. But remember, whatever is out there will wait." I am very sure that the "whatever's out there will wait" part is supposed to be scary, but it's actually the opposite for me. I'm sitting here thinking, "ok. Make it wait then. I'll call in some Uber eats and I'm good."
I'm not sure what this is other than a horror movie. If you open the window, then it gets you? Is that what it was waiting for? For someone to open the window? In that case, it's just glass. Go burst on in there, monster. You may get a few cuts, but it's all yours for the taking.
This sequel(?) to '101 Dalmatians' is worth more than the original movie. That's just how things go. People probably threw out their copies or lost them, plus Disney most likely didn't make a whole lot of them. Even the most optimistic of people wouldn't expect this to fly off the shelves as quick as the original. That's what creates rarity. A lack of supply. That's why homemade adult movies can sell for $20,000.... As long as you're famous.
The sequel that I'd like to see is the court case of Cruella Deville. It would be a courtroom drama with Disney characters would be incredible. The dogs would be key witnesses, but then you'd have special guests like Smee from 'Peter Pan.' I feel like he and Cruella Deville would have had a believable affair in the past.
'Gallery of Horror' is an anthology film that tells five different scary stories. I love 80s and 90s horror anthologies. I saw a lot of them when I was a kid and they informed a lot of my future views on the world. I don't say that as if it's a good thing. It's a horrible thing. The tagline for this says "Strange Tales of Terror from Beyond the Grave." The thing is, practically every horror comic book ever has said the same thing. Aren't I right? That's the most stock sentence in the world now. It's on every Halloween sounds cassette tape.
I've heard the stories aren't even that scary or weird. Are you shocked? These may be rare, but no one had to say they were good. That's why they're rare.
The thing I love about a villain like a Night Ripper is that you only have to worry about them at night. I know it feels that way with a lot of villains, but plenty of murders and sacrifices happen during the day. A Night Ripper isn't going to kill people during the day. That's the Day Ripper's job. There's a very strict code among Rippers not to step on each other's territory.
What does Night Ripper do during the day then? I bet the Night Ripper in this movie is a really nice guy during the day. He goes to volunteer at schools. He works with the elderly, but once it's night, he gets ripping. He'll rip all night. Then the sun rises and he brings coffee and donuts to the homeless. People have different levels to them, you know?
The Legend of Hillbilly John? That's what my mom used to call the story of my conception. Just kidding. The story of my conception is called, "should have left him as a stain on the sheets." I never understood that one. I should ask my parents. This particular Legend of Hillbilly John looks like something that Tenacious D would make. A big, all-encompassing story about witches, voodoo, devils, and monsters. It's like the original Twilight.. For Hillbillies!
The mountain folk swear it's true, and if there's one thing you don't want to do with mountain folk, it's call them a liar. Or question why they voted for who they voted for. Sometimes when you go into the mountains... You don't come back. Don't worry. THat's not a spoiler. I haven't seen this movie and never will.
There are certain horror icons that are so played out they aren't scary anymore. Pretty much any typical Halloween icon is not scary. Think about skeletons. They are definitely not scary. It would be silly if you saw a skeleton. There's no muscle mass there. Just give it a strong whiff of air and it's over. That brings us to the subject of this movie: demons. Demons aren't scary, right? Not since 'Hercules' by Disney. When I think of Demon I think of a cuddly little guys that I could step on if I wanted to. That's probably not the kind of demons that this movie is about though.
I love a bold title like 'Demons,' though. At least you know what you're getting. If you left this movie mad that you saw demons, that's on you.
This VHS can get you around $600, so if you ever buried your copy, you better start diggin' up business! I'm going to start making that a catchphrase. "You seen Gina lately? She just always out there diggin' up business." It's like you're starting trouble or something. It could have several meanings. For example, I've seen my dad put his hand down his pants and go about diggin' up some business.
I've never seen this movie, but it's apparently a comedy with a lot of fast talking lines. I'd love to be able to perform fast talking lines, but my lips are too big. If I talk too fast I end up choking myself with my own lips. They are seriously that big. I look like one of those tribespeople how puts plates in their lips to stretch them.
There is one good thing about watching The Adventures of Baron Munchausen... you at least get to see a young Uma Thurman. It's always fun to watch one of your favorite actors before they were huge. It's especially good to see Uma Thurman pre-Kill Bill since she suffered from a horrible injury on a stunt-gone-wrong during the filming of the movie. That's one of the pieces of Kill Bill history audiences like to forget so that we don't get sad while watching Uma Thurman cut men in half.
A VHS of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen can get you a pretty penny if you are still holding onto one after all these years. If you don't have one, you might want to check your local landfill. You might be able to find a copy there.
